I write to you my brother with a heavy hand and a deliberate heart. After your last reply I realize that vulnerability is in order on my behalf if I am to expect you to understand why I write to you as I do. Please allow the following thought to be seared into your brain for the rest of your life, or at minimum for the duration of this letter.
God’s goodness does not hinder on your wretchedness.
Really and truly brother. Do not let the thoughts of your own hatred to allow you to be lulled into a false responsibility to hold up God. You were never holding Him up, it is Him that has been holding you the whole time. I have been in a similar if not the same place as you brother many times and I anticipate that I will be there again. You have sinned brother, you have gravely sinned. This is a truth that you will never escape, so stop running. Seize this responsibility so that God may redeem you through His saving power. I know that these are little more than towelettes in what feels like an oil spill. I will attempt to say this a few different ways in the hopes of convincing you of its truth.
I have hurt others through my weakness brother. It is my weakness that doesn’t restrain me from lashing out. It is my weakness that leads others on. It is my weakness that turns a blind eye. It is my weakness that makes a mockery of my will. It is my weakness that reduces me to a pulp by means of incessant self hate. It is through my weakness that God wishes to be glorified. I am placed in the lowest esteem through my weakness and it is here that God wishes to work. It is when I am in this place of pulp exacted by my desire to be judge, jury, & executioner of my actions that God speaks to me. He calls me by my name. Not my sins, my name. Your sins are not your name brother. You have sinned brother, and you must take responsibility. Do not therefore assume that you are your sins.
Every single time that I have ever thought I was “getting away with” relying on my own power, as opposed to that of the Lord, I have ended up subdued and someone gets hurt. I often think that I act independently free of harming others and taking the punishment for myself as is just. This is a sick lie. You cannot do something good without God and you cannot do something evil without it affecting the body. So own your mistakes that they may be used for a good instead of festering and doing harm brother.
You are good brother. It may mean little coming from me, but that doesn’t change the fact. You are good. Your sins are many, welcome to the club. I don’t say this to make light of sin, rather I hope to give you an opportunity to see you’re not alone. Confess, return to Him, and don’t despair. Take heart, there is worse to come and there is better to come. You will endure more as long as you cling to Him.
God’s goodness does not hinder on your wretchedness.
-Your brother in Christ.
Ipsa Duce 